The Cult of Self
Wow, three months since a post. I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten lost on Facebook. It has reduced the urgency to post to a blog that nobody reads (of course, if I gave the masses something to read on a regular basis, maybe that would change). That said, I’m going to take a stab at some thoughts that I’ve been having, likely for the purpose of venting since I’m fairly sure no one will see this.
I am a selfish, vain man. Perhaps that is not the first thought people have when they see, meet, or talk with me, but I will just come out and say it, I am selfish. I’m fairly certain everyone is. Puffed up in the things I think I know, frustrated at the things that don’t go the way I want them to, wishing I could control everything… It’s a rotten existence sometimes. There are days when I think I’m on top of the world and days that I think I am scraping the bottom of the barrel. This weekend seemed to put a spotlight on a lot of things for me and I’m not proud to say I don’t like what it revealed.
I have to admit, sometimes I try to justify selfishness since so many people around me seem to be entrenched in it. I know people who will stomp on anything and anyone just to make themselves happy. I know others who have no desire to fight with their desire to lose their temper. Still others are so wrapped up in their own self-pity and martyring themselves that they completely miss anything redemptive about life. It’s a sad existence sometimes and when I look at it from afar, I think that I should be allowed a little selfishness as long as it doesn’t go as far as these other folks take it. Hah! Imagine my disdain when I realize that selfishness, regardless of its degree, is selfishness nonetheless and therefore completely prone to destroy everything. That’s a pretty big “oops”…
It’s revelations like this that make me pause and consider the faith I have held onto all my life to varying degrees. Though I’m never one to base my concept of “truth” on merely my own experience, I can not deny that the principles of Christianity have served me well in finding fulfillment in letting things go, namely selfishness, and thinking and acting in a way that considers first and foremost a God that is (the “unmovable mover”) and therefore the sanctity of the humanity that he loves. Now there is a ridiculous amount of discussion to be had on whether he loves all of humanity or just a portion of it, etc… But in the end, I can’t help but notice that life just feels better when I’m not being selfish and keeping these principles in mind. How do you then rationalize it away? No amount of intellectualizing or fancy arguments from academicians can undo the peace that I feel entrusting my life to my Creator and striving to put my “neighbor” before myself. It prevents me from participating in the cult of self that I am immersed in day in and day out. It infects and affects my family in ways I don’t care to admit. Call it what you want, this life is more than the pursuit of happiness. You just can’t discount the value of loving God and loving neighbor and what that looks like.
All that to say, I am not proud of myself. I can’t love myself. I can’t pursue happiness at the expense of others on any level. I can’t do these things because I just can’t seem to find any hope in them. God setting all things right (including me)? That is something that makes sense to this tired mind and I cling to it daily. Call me crazy, call me irrational, call me whatever you see fit. This is the only place I find true joy and true joy transcends circumstantial happiness. I’ll take that any day.
Peace…